.s$ .s$ .s$ $$ s$ s$ .s$$s. $$ .s$$s. $$ .s$$s. $$$$s. .s$$s. .s$$s. .s$$s. $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$$$üï $$ .s$$$$ $$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ .s$$$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ `ü$$üï `ü$ï `ü$$üï $$ `ü$$$$ $$ $$ `ü$$üï $$ $$ `ü$$üï ------------------- $$ ---- $$ ------------------------------- isSUE2 `ï `ü$$üï nO FAME - nO SHAME -------------------------------------------------------------- iNiTiAL WARNiNG!!:- This mag suck! If you like it your stupid! EDiTORiAL by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- eL aFGHANO is the first e-mag from Afghanistan! We are very proud of it. This is already the second issue. I think it is even bigger and better than the first. First internal news: We've thrown out Afghanbashi from the staff bcuz he sucks, he inserted spelling errors in my K3WL articles deliberately. But we still allow him to write articles. You ask who translates articles to English now? It's our new member of the staff, pedro! He was born in the year 2121 in some poor country by the west coast of Eurasia. At the age of 9, he left it for the east in order to search for gold there and become rich. At the age of 11, he met the yeti and got almost eaten up by him. Luckily a guy from Tibet was on a walk through the Himalaya for recreation and saved him. For three years, pedro lived in Tibet and fought for the independence from the cat-eaters. In the end he won against the evil cat-eater troops and suddenly the people in Tibet saw their new dalai lama in him, but he was bored with his religious and political duties and headed north-west for more adventures. He passed the little frontier to Afghanistan and headed south for Nuristan, where all of a sudden a great wind occured and took him back a hundred and twenty-one years ago... eh, actually it didn't, because it did not reach the speed of light as pedro has just told me, but who cares, in some way or another he's reached the year 2000... oh, actually we're in the year 1400 or so, I forgot, forgive me, one and only! Oh please don't be upset at me! I'll send you special holy words as a compensation! almanuska tera sumaletiskonejsne nam asperimatura num solmi semnak som na skaru terje num sedumene ale mane menuhinskom OK?? Hope so, hope so! Anyway, you find this story neither credible nor incredible, do you? Right, it's plain childish! So let me tell you the truth, I've learned English. That's why I now write my name Mohammed NapolŠon instead of Mohammed Napole¢n because it shows that I've forgotten my frog-eater knowledge and am now an expert at BSE-eater langua instead. unnamayadeliriabelsikum Ah yeah by the way: IF YOU ARE READING THIS MAG WITH A TEXT VIEWER THAT DOES NOT USE THE HOLY AFGHANE COLOURS (BLACK, RED AND GREEN), STOP RIGHT NOW! YOU ARE MAKING OUR ONE AND ONLY UPSET! sonomajostersniskusimnejskomatinobenjenapetimbesomsnism I s'pose now only worthy readers are still there? Good! Then let's go! THE NEW DESiGN OF eL aFGHANO by Arturo Ui, co editor -------------------------------------------------------------- As you see eL aFGHANO has been redesigned! What are the changes? First of all stupid aFGHANO logo by very stupid Afghanbashi has been replaced by a new one! OK it looks pretty close but it ain't the same now is it? Rite, so you can't blame us for ripping nething! Second you see my articles AIN'T ALL UPPER CASE AND FULL OF SPELLING ERRORS ANYMORE THIS IS BECAUSE MOHAMMED NOW PROOFREADS MY ARTICLES WHICH HE CAN DO BECAUSE HE HAS LEARNT ENGLISH; BUT UNFORTUNATELY HES VERY SLOPPY AND SO DOESN'T ALWAYS DO THAT!!!!! ANYWAY MY ARTICLES SHOULD BE MORE DIgestible now. Eh, actually, if I think correctly, I haven't written any article yet... just some really stupid comments on ascii graphix in the last eL aFGHANO... oh well youll see more in diz issua. sirmenkosumnim CORRECTiONS by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- There were quite a few mistakes in eL aFGHANO #1! First, we forgot to credit Abu Gaza for his pashtuna langua article. Sorry Abu! Hope you'll write another article for aFGHANO one day nevertheless! Second somehow my name doesn't appear near the article "The Fate Of The World" although you shouldn't have any doubt about that I, I, I have written it! (Fuck why ain't there bold text in ascii....) Finally there were many spelling errors... but who cares... and fifth, eh, I've forgottan it. But who cares... The Taliban still liked our mag and that's all that counts. sirmenjekosnibutimnasomnerutenkeme Ah yes, what else I wanted to say is, our disclaimer sucked! Of course everything here in eL aFGHANO is DEAD SERIOUS and if you don't take it seriously or don't like it bcuz you think it's too unserious for a serious e-mag you're stupid! (If you like it then you're too but who cares...) lemniskensjesnospite CHARTS!!! by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- You know, we want to be a respectable e-mag! Our aim is to kick Hugi's and Imphobia's butt! So like any respectable e-mag we need a charts corner! Please, please, please take part in thijs! You just have to fill in the few lines in fillmein.txt and send the file to me (unless you are VERY stupid, you know how to reach me, don't you?). Please! Please! Please! Deadline is the end of ramadam 2ooo. The first preresults of the charts will be presented in eL aFGHANO #3. We count with your help! We know you won't disappoint us! sumasnijoskousnepoteminemesne SOME WORDS FROM AFGHANBASHi by Afghanbashi, the expelled -------------------------------------------------------------- First of all I am very glad that I am still allowed to write some words! Although every article of mine is limited to -CENSORED- bytes and its contents is -CENSORED- too! Well I hope you won't be too disappointed by this issue of eL aFGHANO although I am not in the staff any more. But you know, the Scripture says thou shalt not be too voracious if you want to become -CENSORED- editor again... oh, my byte limit is almost LETTERS TO THE EDITOR by Maestro Monteverdi, foreign minister -------------------------------------------------------------- You may believe it or not, but we have received a LOT of feedback on the first issue of our magazine. I therefore think that you can really speak of a smash-shit in the e-mag scene... oops, I meant "smash-hit" of course. Sorry, but even if some of you may believe that "shit" would be the better term for our mag indeed, this was really a mere typo, not intention. I apologize to Mohammed NapolŠon and our one and only. I hope that I will not be thrown out of the staff like it was done to Afghanbashi. Ah, you are probably wondering what I am doing in this staff at all, since my name is completely unknown to those of you who only read issue 1 of this magazine. Well, I call myself Maestro Monteverdi. I chose this name because I love the romantic, classic and pre-classic Italian music. My nick contains the names of two great Italian composers: Verdi and Monteverdi. I seriously think that they should be a role model for the composers in the computer music scene. My job in the staff of this magazine is minister of foreign affairs. That is, I have to deal with readers and other magazines. I was chosen for this job because I am very polite. Extraordinarily polite, compared to the rest of the staff of this magazine. Anyway, I suppose I should begin with the feedback we have received on issue 1 of our magazine so far. The best thing, I guess, is to simply list the reactions, so here we go: "J'aime ce journal beaucoup." - Jaques Chirac, president of france (Translation: "I like this mag very much.") "I prefer to spend my time with El Afghano rather than with Moni... er, government." - Bill Clinton, president of the usa "I noticed that El Afghano is too hard for me to understand, so I decided finally to study for my abitur." - Joschka Fischer, german minister of foreign affairs "I am looking forward to Arafat's next kisses. Meanwhile, I read El Afghano." - Ehud Barak, israeli prime minister "The governments in the EU are already acting like chickens although the fox hasn't even entered their coop because he is busy reading El Afghano. I REALLY like El Afghano!!!" - anonymous worldfamous politician "After reading your e-mag, I'd really like to visit you, hand you machine guns and pose with you for a photo!" - Kim Jong-il, the (dead) president's son and de-facto ruler of north korea "I suggest exchanging Planet Hollywood stocks for El Afghano!" - Arnold Schwarzenegger, austro-american actor and politician "Thank you very much for referring to me in your self introduction, Sir Afghanbashi." - Turkmenbashi, president of turkmenistan "Thanks for notifying me about your new mag. I had already heard of it from Makke, but it's always nice to receive an e-mail straight from the horse's mouth, i.e. from the main editor of a mag. Your first issue had some interesting articles. Actually I didn't give you permission to publish my e-mail, but it doesn't matter because it has no private contents anyway. Nevertheless in future please ask the sender before you publish an e-mail. It will spare you a lot of trouble. All in all I am very pleased that a new mag has joined our colourful diskmag sky. May it prosper and develop!" - Adok/Hugi, selfcalled prophet of scene journalism "wow, this is a chance to fresh up my afghan! lucky me! at last!" - snotrag, linguist "this is a shitmag! i fear it will be serious competition to snl." - Venior/Beans, scenial main editor "your mag is pathetic" - esa ruoho, great commentator "shit with good articles." - psychic symphony, demojournal main editor FiRST ARTiCLE by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- Okej! Diz were the general chapters of every mag... what nobody is interested to read neway. So, now lets go to the articles... ta articles, thats what people wanna read. Okej, diz is the first article. Hej, notice what? Wow, I speak in the style of eL aFGHANO #1 again. Diz is what I call oltskool. Okej. So... well, ya see, there's a difference. A difference between me write editorial articlez and real articles... in editorial articlez i am politically ocrrect and correct spelling and so and don't even write only nonsense but in articles i do write only nonsense... I dont know what the cause of this is but... Hej I know what the cause is! Too few holy afghane words! So: alamanapiskamasej olunimunahej, numaskomiseludet aske baska lut, aska meni sumalet sus pesti kero sin. Now this is what I, I, I call a good article. aleman PASHTUNA CORNA neske Arturo Ui, co editor -------------------------------------------------------------- Janamara putra. Sumaletiskanosne, ake peka samunim. Seske ko num mane saske, num a punna enna tero. Aske mene menuhin, sum a num lut kane sas a peneske nimuhinem. Restasne ak banuhin sum meniate suski, apel na saru remelhem num tumka unna ey. Karu ist nun somatim, sole mane simultinem norasti pedaskisne. Manesne kendu somibedt num as suma num, ale mane soma litas unaromti umsi ne sa karu. Putra somi jel sum nin a mene skane putim raste suma lumni kas ne banu hinumeje sulatim. Raletu simulnis, suma karesne situlnitate min gistem samulest. SECOND ARTiCLE by the Afghane Secret Service -------------------------------------------------------------- We now want to present you the latest world political news. ASIA - Afghanistan is the first country in the world to acknowledge Chechnia as an independent state. EUROPE - The European Union is planning on making Portugal a Spanish province because the Portuguese are incapable of ruling over themselves. AFRICA - Lybia's revolutionary leader Colonel Muammar al-Khadafi invited his friend Romano Prodi to dinner in Cairo, which he plans to have integrated in his empire in the meantime. SOUTH AMERICA - A triumvirate of a lawyer, a military leader and a Red Indian ruled Ecuador for three hours, then they made the former Vice President the new President of Ecuador in order to re-establish a corruptocratic system. NORTH AMERICA - The population of Nunavut, a territority of only a bit more than a million of square kilometers, is exploding. Scientists estimate that already 20000 men and 50000 polar bears are living there. AUSTRALIA - Australians help East Timor rebuild its transportation infrastructure by selling them kangooroos. PACIFIC OCEAN - All apes in New Zealand have been made New Zealand citiziens. They enjoy the same rights as human New Zealanders. The United Nations are now planning on extending the Human Rights Declaration to all monkey worldwide. ANTARCTICA - The government of the United Penguins declared war on the rest of the world. Italy and Spain have already been bombed with the first iceblocks. The Chilean minority in the Antarctic started a mass-emigration to their home country due to unpredictable Penguin politicians. limnaskanuretisomniejskvotelnannesunnarum UNOFFiCiAL THiRD ARTiCLE by Afghanbashi, stupid idiot -------------------------------------------------------------- We live in a materialistic world. Actually we should say, the world is materialistic. There is no world that isn't. In my definition of world at least. So why say we live in a materialistic world. So what does materialistic mean? Mater, matris female is a word in -CENSORED- langua [censored bcuz Sanskrit is ta only holy langua!] that means mother... oh, my byte limit is reached soon, although I have just started my ar OFFiCiAL THiRD ARTiCLE by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- I just wanted to say that, eh, the comment in [] brackets was written by me, me, me. That's the notes from the editor. Yes, exactly, now ya know. Okej, actually these were just sum comments on ta matter above, so lets come to the anganuarasnej ACTUAL THiRD ARTiCLE by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- We do not want to be an e-mag like all the other ones. With fixed corners, fixed sections, things that appear in every other e-mag. You know, I'm better in editorial articlez than in real articles, but who carez, we are perfectionists, no we ain't, but, well, what did I want ta say, well, we want to make it difficult for oursevles, so we do exactly what we find hard to do. So I won't review other e-mags, as I wanted to do, bcuz I already did that in the last issue. I'll explain my philosophy of e-mags. janmarisulanetiskomneltaskemaneletserune E-mags are made for FUN. And for worship. Entertainment and religion. That's the purposes of e-mags. Religion because we have to satisfy our one and only in some way or another, and if there is no another we have to do it in this way, by making an e-mag. Okej. You got this? Great. Our great one and only honorizes written stuph, especially innovative stuph, sumthin nobody else has written yet, on topics nobody thinks about, such as politics. Yeahyeah, you suckers don't care about your own politicians although diz is one of ta most important things in life bcuz they keep ta world going and provide a base on which scientists and artists can work and consumers can enjoy the products of economy. My aim is: make eL aFGHANO the platform of EXTRA-PARLAMENTARY OPPOSITION all over the world. We are open to ALL political directions be they Democrats, Republicans, Liberals, Communists, Anarchists, Nihilists, Greenhorns, Monarchists, Orthodox Jews, Nationalists, Separatists, Apocalyptics, Despots, Conservatives, Socialists, Patriots, Social Democrats, Islamists, Christian Democrats, Human Right Activists, Independents, Reformers and so on. Everything from extreme left to extreme right is welcome! We are for true democracy, just like Gaddaffi. I mean, we're also for it, they who adhere to his theories are welcome to us too. We also want to be a platform of INTRO-PARLAMENTARY OPPOSITION all over the world. We want to support all political movements, illegal as well as legal ones. Finally we also want to be a platform of GOVERNMENTS. You can publish all the news about how you want to oppress your citizens or do benefit to them here. It's great, ain't it? eL aFGHANO, the first reall objective worldwide medium, made in Afghanistan! Afghanistan will become world power!! Soon!!! mansilumneskomtinelsumenuhimnaskatsomnej iMPHOBiA SUX. WHY. by Arturo Ui, co editor -------------------------------------------------------------- Now anotha kewl article on e-mags. Ta first political articles in eL aFGHANO. We are too moderate I noticed so lets be a bit more extreme. We now completely ignore political correctness! We say that iMPHOBiA sux! iMPHOBiA, ya ask what diz is? Its men's fear of losing their potence! And its also a big e-mag, 2nd place in da charts. Its very bad. Its ta first losa. Btw you see my spelling was correctad by Mohammend so its a BIT BETTER YOU SEE ah well i already did write about that. And ya see iMPHOBiA HAS NO SPELLING! THEIR MAIN EDITORS DONOT know english!!! Ah you ask why I flame iMPHOBiA altho its dead and ya shall say only good things about dead things but in diz cas we have to differentiate! iMPHOBiA is rewly bad! It contents mUCH TO MANY ARTICULAS AND IS WAY TO SERIOUS REALLY BAD REWLY BAD I DONT LIKE IT and so it sucks! Only good thing, its got feeling, thats good. Ah Btw diz was ma first ARTICLE BOUT E-MAGS! IT RULED DIDNT IT!!!!! usamabinladnuskemuneritaskoneme LET US CALM DOWN ALL THiS TENSiON. by Monteverdi, maestro -------------------------------------------------------------- I have changed the design of this article a bit to introduce some variety into this magazine. I hope that this will relieve your eyes a bit that would find it hard to follow the text otherwise, as they always look on the left side of the screen and never on the right side. "Always look on the bright side of life!" Yeah. I am of the opinion that Arturo is way too radical with his judgement of that magazine. After all, its main editor and his team made a lot of effort in order to support the community of its readers. They were also active in politics. They fought against racism. And their magazine was a good example of a way to connect people from different countries, different skin-colours, different religions etc. That is why I personally like that magazine. But I will not say any more because otherwise Mohammed NapolŠon will be upset with me, and eventually our one and only god will be upset with me too because I permit others to believe in other gods, too. However, as this is a democratic magazine, I hope that Mohammed NapolŠon will not censore this article nevertheless. TiTLES AND FUCKiNG by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- How do you see nowadays that someone is intelligent? In Afghanistan you see it by that he is a member of the Taliban. In Europe where there is socalled democracy it is a bit harder bcuz there are many political parties and therefore there are titles instead. You get the title "doctor" when you wrote a thesis and it was said to be god by ta university. Now I have a new idea, why not give titles for people who have already fucked. I mean you need to be intelligent as a man to be able to fuck someone, its very hard. So this could also be made a class instiction or distinction or how it's called. mamreskana TELEViSiON iS MY LiFE by Arturo Ui, co editor -------------------------------------------------------------- RIGHT AND BECOZE I HAVE NONE I HAVE NO LIFE YOU SEE I Got no existance bcuz I'm just a poor 'n pure Afghane. OK if I were born in ta USA I'd have a TV but bcuz I wasn't I don't. Ya see how unjust THE world is. I got only asciiart and eL aFGHANO. This is all what I do. Computers are nice (Btw I don't have one MYSELF BUT I ALWAYZ TYPE AT Mohammed's place) but TV is better. AND CARS RULE MOST NEWAY afgaraskulnataramisotelneskej HEY THIS RULES, ARTURO WROTE by Afghanbashi, the intelligent -------------------------------------------------------------- an article in my byte limit... within my byte limit... yipphie yeay! -CENSORED- lines, thats what is my limit too as you have probably noticed in the meantime... By the way, Mohammed NapolŠon deliberately -CENSORED- the contents of my articles and inserts -CENSORED- -CENSORED- in them so that it looks as if I had neither wit nor worth nor words and could not spell either! [You can't anyway, stupid idiot!] I protest against th SiXTH ARTiCLE by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- Six six six. 666. Symbol of Satan. That's what these anti-blasphemy people say. I believe in our one and only anyway and think there is no Satan or whatever, Jupiter, Shiva or so. It is human nature to adhere to stupid theories and demagogues and the socalled democrats like me, me, me, they are actually also antidemocratic in the rewl sense of democracy bcuz we suppress other peoples opinions such as Afghanbashi's, but we know he's wrong and so it's okay. My actual topic of the article, or the actual topic of my article, is, well, the number six... Is this actually the sixth article?? Let's count... UNOFFiCiAL THiRD ARTiCLE OFFiCiAL THiRD ARTiCLE ACTUAL THiRD ARTiCLE... eh, so five articles so far.. so ta sixth article was the one tat followed them... this was.. iMPHOBiA SUX. WHY. by Arturo Ui! Stupid man! The sixth article was reserved for me, me, me! Well okay, so lets at least prove him wrong, prove his silly theories about iMPHOBiA wrong - its bad but it aint sux! What sux is Hugi! Bcuz its main editor claims ta be prophet and claims Hugi is god! Ya know that diz all is very wrong! I don't like it at all. I'm very upset and our one and only is too. menuhin VERY SHORT ARTiCLE by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- COMMENTS by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- This was a very bad article bcuz it contents NO holy Pashtuna words so lets give them now. afgha basha numa tuma respu timnes kanda harnelu neskomse arulenma namelu meriskane asortesnej scenial nerumetes sumaletus naskameru ale manukenhe kabul numa mazar lemnistom usna enna nomiretul gay namaristov nerotim pashta aske num sape laska veritom geranehim asputerom Now I see that there was one article between first and second! ASCiiART CORNA by Arturo Ui, co editor -------------------------------------------------------------- .aaaaaa. THIS IS MY OWN FACE; DO YOU LIKE IT????? aaaaaaaaaa [Sorry, I didn't want to correct English áa x aa x aá in this sentence... bcuz this face is so oáaaaaaaaaaaáo silly. That ta description has to look oáaaaa aaaaáo silly too.] á.aaaaaaaa.á á. .aaaa. .á á aaaa á aaaa And below, this is my body... it `aaï doesn't suit to my face but I've never said it would............. _--------------_ / _____________ \ / / | | \ \ | | ssssssss | | | | ssssssss | | %$õ&$%õ/!)")õ$"(%&"(õ"! `vï .ssssssss. `vï %$õ&$%õ/!)")õ$"(%&"(õ"!õ% ssssssssss $õ&$%õ/!)")õ$"(%&"(õ"!õ$õ .ssssssssss. õ&$%õ/!)")õ$"(%&"(õ"!õõ&$ sss sss &$%õ/!)")õ$"(%&"(õ"!õ&$%õ sss sss $%õ/!)")õ$"(%&"(õ"!õ$%õ/! .sss. .sss. õ/!)")õ$"(%&"(õ"!õ%õ/!) .sss. .sss. .sss. .sss. This is the box with all my sssss sssss asciiart $%.o.%$ $%.o.%$ `-----ï `-----ï .. ', ,' ,ï `. `..ï .'. ,'. oo .ï `..ï `. . . .'. .ï`. ,ï`. `ï .ï `..ï `.ï `. '. .ï`. .ï `. ,ï| A cow, or a horse? | `..ï `.ï `.ï | No, it's a tiger! |. ú`. .ï `. .ïú .ï| | `: `.ï `.ï :ï | `. ú`. ú`. .ïú .ïú .ï `. `: `.ï :ï .ï `. ú`. | .ïú .ï A 3d cube `. `|ï .ï `. | .ï `|ï CARS RULE THE WORLD by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- Cars pollute our environment, they make our children unhappy and donot allow us ta breathe good air. But Honda and Opel merged and reinstalled monarchy in the world. King Opel of General Motors is now ta ruler of the world. THE WORLD. But not Afghanistan. Afghanistan is in a world but not the world, it's in ta third world, it's another world. We will rule ta whole third whorld soon and soon after there tha otha eh ta other... worlds. We are against cars because they like us. num WHAT iF... by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- What would happen if: Afghanistan was a democratic country? Then it would rule ta whole world. Baluchistan existed? Then all Baluchs from Afghanistan would emigrate to Baluchistan and we would have one problem less. Pakistan joined Bharat? Then India would have 200 million problems more. Afghanistan didn't allow Pakistan to join Bharat? Then it wouldn't happen. Afghanistan made Pakistan a new province of Afghanistan? Then Afghanistan would be even bigger. China declared war on Afghanistan? Then China would lose. China lost a war against Afghanistan? Then Afghanistan would reach WORLD DOMiNATiON. ja TA TRUTH ABOUT MY NAME by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- Ya ask why I'm called how I'm called. Ta thing is, Napoleon Bonaparte didn't die in Saint Helena! Even if you learnt that at history class! No! He fleed to Afghanistan! There he died but not without having created a child! With one of 5 women. Whom he found in Corsistan. And thats my great great great great grand father. So I'm called NapolŠon! numarestunimetasne HE IS LYiNG! by Afghanbashi, knower of the truth -------------------------------------------------------------- He is lying. he is lying. he is lying. he is lying. he is lying. he is lying. he is lying. he is ling. he is ling. he is ling. he is ling. he is ling. he is ling. he is ling. he is ling. he is ling. he is ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. I ask myself if he'll -CENSORED- this... PRESiDENTiAL ELECTiONS by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- I am the son of the son of ... Napoleon and neverthless Chirac and Jiang dont treat me as equals!!! I'm superior to them in reality! So what I want is, become PRESIDENT of ta e-mag scene! And bcuz I'm democratic I wanta become it in elections! If you fill out ta voteshit you can vote for me. Vote for me! Vote for me! Me, me, me! I want to win! If I lose our one and only will be verryvery upset! So vote for me!!! taskamensejket Ya see I'm a perfect democrat! I allow ya ta vote and I even allow ta stupid Afghanbashi ta publish his shit altho he sux! SOCCER, MY FAVOURiTE SPORT! by Arturo Ui, co editor -------------------------------------------------------------- Soccer players ARE VERY INTELLIGENT PERSONS AND SO I LOVE soccer and that's the reaosn why I write an article about it! They think Madrid is Milano! They love fighting. THEY HAVE NO EDUCATION BUT THEY ARE NOT ILLITARATE AS ME AND SO THEy are better than me. I love the soccer team of Saudi Arabia! Its best! Soon they'll win the EC. I'm sure they're better than kraut eater, frog eater, burger eater and BSE eater teams. sum iTALiAN MUSiC by Maestro Monteverdi, foreign minister -------------------------------------------------------------- I noticed that the articles so far are all more or less very short. I want to change this now, with an article about my favourite music, Italian music. Italian music is European music, and so its roots are the same as all European music. It is rooted in the ancient Greek and the Jewish music. When the Christian religion became legal, they adopted this music for their religious services. This was 900 years before our time, the Afghane time. The new music was called the Gregorian chant. It was pretty repetitive and unison. It mainly accompanied sermons, such as dies irae or kyrie. Anyway, this was only the beginning of European and Italian music. It developed with time. The next music style was the school of notre dame in France, followed by ars antiqua, ars nova etc. They introduced music for several voices, using the old Gregorian chants as cantus firmus and composing new melodies over them. These melodies were often even in different languages, which made the texts quite hard to follow as you can imagine. It led to polyphony, with its climax in the dutch school. But now let us come to Italy. In Italy, there existed several styles of music. You can separate them in two groups. First there were pretty simple folk-dances, called villanella or frottola. They had only a few voices, only one was sung, the rest was played with instruments, and they were very enjoyable to listen to and dance. Second, there were the madrigals. They were very artistic, created by and for aristocrats, and a capella, i.e. only sung, without the use of any instrument. This is what I like most. The texts were also very interesting and artistic, as they were written by some of the very best poets living in that time. Rhythmically and melodically, these songs were - and are, as manuscripts with these songs still exist - very elaborate, but also hard to sing. Therefore it was limited to aristocracy. This did not change in later periods of music history. In the baroque age, the time of the great Monteverdi, there existed folk music, too, of course. But the real music, what we call baroque, was created exclusively for aristocrats. They employed special composers to make them. Usually pieces of music, such as concerti grossi, were performed only once, then discarded. But many manuscripts are still existing. So we know most of Monteverdi's, Vivaldi's and their colleagues' thousands of works, as well as the masterpieces of composers outside Italy such as Bach and Handel. Nowadays many people confuse baroque with classical music. Indeed baroque and classical sound similar, but there are differences. For example, a typical element of baroque music is the cembalo, which is always used to accompany concerti. In classical music, by contrast, concerti are usually accompanied by the piano. The development of Italian music had its climax - in my opinion - in the romantic period. There were many great Italian composers, like Puccini and Verdi. They especially emphasized on expressing emotions with music in their operas. Their music was highly artistic, and still today its sound is unbeaten, to my mind at least. Today, it is still the young Italian musicians who make the most promising works. I especially recommend Ciccilleju, he might become a new (Monte)Verdi one day! THE ROLE OF A BASHi by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- You are asking what a bashi is. You are! I know this! Bcuz I always use diz words and I never explained it! So let me explain it now. A bashi is a leader. He is a leader of a community of eaters of a special animal. For example Chirac is the leader of the community of frog eaters and snail eaters. Therefore Chirac is frog eater bashi and also snail eater bashi. Shroder is ta leader of ta cummonity of kraut eaters. Therefore he is kraut eater bashi. Ya see? Jiang is cat eater bashi, Clinton is burger eater bashi, Kabila is human eater bashi, Elizabeth is BSE eater bashi... okej, I see, ya have a complaint, I am confusing heads of governments and heads of states. Well ta solution is easy, both is okej, so, Elizabeth can be BSE eater bashi and Blair too, there are many bashis of one community. Shroder and Rau are both kraut eater bashis too. There are also drinker bashis. Example, Chirac is vine drinker bashi, Shroder is beer drinker bashi, Rau is applejuice drinke bashi, Blair and Eli are whiskey drinker bashis, Putin is vodka drinker bashi and soon... There are smoker bashis also: Carl Gustaf is tabaque smoker bashi, Kok is weed smoker bashi, Afghanbashi is opium smoker bashi. Now ya know what a bashi is! You know! mensewalaskitomneratumareni iNTERViEW WiTH HiDDENFX by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- We now present you an interview with a person that has never ever been interviewed before! Its HiddenFX, ta main editor of Demon journal! Ta interview was made by Pedro who speaks ta same langua like HiddenFX, but I told Pedro what questions ta ask so you can say it was made by me! So I get credits for it! eL aFGHANO: Hello HiDDENFX, we want to interview you today. Ya know, all interviews start with a very boring question. I mean all interviews with e-mag makers. The very boring question is, what's your name? where do ya live? how long is yar beard? are ya happy with yar life? In other words, introduce yourself! (I know this will be more than half of the complete interview but who cares.) HiDDENFX: hello, i am the alter ego of the demojournal editor. i make demonjournal. demonjournal is a great magazine released every week. it is of very high quality articles. all articles deal with the demons that live in my alter egos head. he calls this a therapy, because this will contribute to his pursuit of happiness in his life which is his ultimate goal of course, to become a normal sane man. i live in eurasia, a very big continent consisting of europe and asia. afghanistan is also a part of this continent so you know what it looks like. i have no beard because i have not entered puberty yet. about my life, i just want to quote what my alter ego says: "life sux and then you die." eL aFGHANO: We think life is good and you will not die if you make a good e-mag like we do! Anyway! Next question! Actually your answer to this one was very short and I am a bit upset about that because, erm, it is harder to make a long interview now, and if it was meant to be longer than the rest of this interview the interview will be very short and so it will be of little quality because quality is what our readers want and quality, erm, quality means long articles! But maybe this interview will become interesting all ta same, so lets try to get on... Eh... I have no idea what ta ask... Boomboom... Ah yes why do ya make demonournal? HiDDENFX: i am of the opinion that it is very important for the health of my spirit! eL aFGHANO: A short answer... but when I consider it rightly ya actually already answered it neway! But nevertheless I have to find another question, otherwise this interview will be too short and our readers won't like it! Ah what do I care about readers, I am not interested in their comments... Ahh what do YOU think about eL aFGHANO?? HiDDENFX: i have not read it to day, sorry, but i am sure it sux. eL aFGHANO: Why? HiDDENFX: because your intellect seems to be similar to mine, in other words, the quality of your magazine seems to be about the same as mine. i know that the iq of the main editor is always resembled in the mag. eL aFGHANO: Thank you. Ya know, Arturo Ui is ta real main editor of eL aFGHANO, according to ta credits in eL aFGHANO 1. HiDDENFX: arturo? is he spanish? eL aFGHANO: No, he's Afghane. HiDDENFX: but arturo is a spanish name! eL aFGHANO: And "el afghano" is also the Spanish word for "the afghane". We are cosmopolitans, we like Spain. Ya know, Portugal is gonna become a Spanish province soon. HiDDENFX: really? then i better emigrate to afghanistan. eL aFGHANO: Right, there you can pursue your happiness better. We have many demons in our country, ya know. Ya could become a soldier in one of our many armies who are fighting against eachother and see the sense of life. HiDDENFX: thank you for this sug, i'll move at once. Later Hiddenfx told us a secret with the beg that we should not publish it. We ignore this and publish it nevertheless. HiDDENFX: don't tell anyone, but i'm an alien!!! SPECIAL VERY iMPORTANT NEWS FROM NORTH KOREA! by the A.S.S. -------------------------------------------------------------- Kim Jong-il visited the 68th socialist sewer brigade in order to inform himself about their productivity. He was very pleased to see their latest achievements, such as a 2qm gully with 10 crocodiles. The crocodiles were a present from crocodile dundee, bashi of the communist party of australia. To reward them for their great contributions to the glorious North Koreanian nation, he proudly presented each of them with a machine gun and posed with them for a photo. lustemonaskumet THE iMPORTANCE OF DEMONS by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- You ask why we have so many demons in Afghanistan. You should bettrer ask what a demon is! A demon is short for demonstration! And we have many of them in Afghanistan! We demonstrate our power, our diligence, our honour, our pride, our strength, our energy, our endurance, our perserverance, our obediency, our intelligence, our knowledge, our excellence, our authority, our superiority, our arrogance, our discipline, our strategy, our belief, our ... eh, our great achievements in the e-mags business! But we also have real demons like you people from western countries know from their fairy tales and sagas and legends and so on. They are called Mohammed NapolŠon, Arturo Ui, Afghanbashi and Pedro S. Yeah. We are demons. We are no humans. We are demons. Exactly. We are the greatest form of life on this planet. We are Afghane. diovyratenalprenniluosymsehcuoutniapymseveirgniardicaekilsnrub By ta way: The line above's NOT pashtuna langua! But its holy. AN ATTEMPT TO WRiTE A LONG by Afghanbashi, the hyper brain -------------------------------------------------------------- story without having to care about this byte limit is this. It is very simple, I'll start my story in this article and go on in my next article (hope Mohammed will publish it and not -CENSORED- it) [I don't like Afghanbashi talking about me censoring nething because this would harm my image as a perfect democratic man and so I censor it every time he uses the word "to censor" or any form of it]. I am very optimistic WiLL WORK OUT AND iN THiS WAY i WiLL BE ABLE TO by Afghanbashi -------------------------------------------------------------- write a very long story. Actually I do not know what kind of story I want to write... [But I do! haha] Ah okay, an old fairytale of Nuristan. In Nuristan, there were the old Greeks. They came by and settled when they were passing through central Asia with Alexander the Great of Macedonia. They.. they were very tough and so they could endure the great heat and the lack of natural resources in the Afghane mountains and HiGHLANDS. AND THEY WERE VERY DiLiGENT AND by Afghanbashi -------------------------------------------------------------- -CENSORED- and -CENSORED- and -CENSORED-. [I don't want him to praise ta Greeks! Only the Pashtuna are worth to be praised! Ta pashtuna are the lords of Afghanistan not ta stupid Greeks and Nuristans!] But they did not develop that much, I mean they developed but not more than the rest of Afghanistan. But nevertheless Afghanistan is a rich stable democratic country, and as you see we are able to make very good e-mags. END OF ST HiGHLANDS. AND THEY WERE VERY DiLiGENT AND by Afghanbashi -------------------------------------------------------------- -CENSORED- and -CENSORED- and -CENSORED-. [I don't want him to praise ta Greeks! Only the Pashtuna are worth to be praised! Ta pashtuna are the lords of Afghanistan not ta stupid Greeks and Nuristans!] But they did not develop that much, I mean they developed but not more than the rest of Afghanistan. But nevertheless Afghanistan is a rich stable democratic country, and as you see we are able to make very good e-mags. END OF ST HiGHLANDS. AND THEY WERE VERY DiLiGENT AND by Afghanbashi -------------------------------------------------------------- -CENSORED- and -CENSORED- and -CENSORED-. [I don't want him to praise ta Greeks! Only the Pashtuna are worth to be praised! Ta pashtuna are the lords of Afghanistan not ta stupid Greeks and Nuristans!] But they did not develop that much, I mean they developed but not more than the rest of Afghanistan. But nevertheless Afghanistan is a rich stable democratic country, and as you see we are able to make very good e-mags. END OF ST COMMENTS TO THAT STORY by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- Ya see, I pasted ta end of ta story in several times. For one reason, that ya see how much it sucks and that Afghanbashi is making our one and only upset by praise the wrong ethnic group. Har har. Ya see I'm very democratic and generous that I published his articles and that I even published them in a row! Imagine I published these articles in wrong order scattered all over eL aFGHANO! Then you'd laugh at him even more would you? You see, I'm right. azramskinesputimnosperatum REViEW: THIS E-MAG 1 by Maestro Monteverdi, foreign minister -------------------------------------------------------------- As readers of issue 1 of this magazine might know, my name did not appear in it. Indeed I was not a member of the staff of this magazine in that time. Therefore I feel that I am a person who can give a rather neutral statement on that issue. I will review issue 1 of this magazine and compare it with this issue, so that we can see how much it has improved meanwhile. First and most importantly, I found the design of the first issue more than annoying. The holy pashtuna words were not only written at the end of articles but everywhere in the text. As a consequence, some texts were very hard to read. Furthermore, the texts were centered. At least most of them, as the layout was pretty inconsistent. By centering texts, a lot of space was wasted, because if they were left bound, they would occupy less - very logical, I think. I removed all unnecessary spaces (ascii 32 characters) from issue 1 of this magazine as an experiment. The result: From 58560 bytes the file size could be shrinked to 52267 bytes. This is a difference of about 6 kbyte, the size of a pretty long article, an article that could contain very interesting information, very recent news or very entertaining humour. Unfortunately Mohammed NapolŠon did not agree to my idea of removing all unnecessary spaces. He said that it would not make much difference. I do not think so, because there are certainly readers who have a 9600 bps modem, like us. For them, it would make a lot of diffeent. In the end we found a compromise: Although spaces are still inserted to create a block layout, texts are no longer centered. A lot of the superfluous spaces have been removed in this way. You may ask why I actually criticize this matter, because I myself added additional spaces in my article in which I defended a magazine which Arturo Ui critcized very hard. Well, I did it only because I wanted to mark my article by aligning it to the right, because I thought that my article should also be an optical contrast to Arturo Ui's statement. It was not a long article, so I did not really waste a lot of space. However, space is wasted by articles of rather trivial content, such as the short articles on soccer and sex in this issue of this magazine. In issue 1, on the other hand, there were even more articles of trivial content. Only think of the stupid declaration of Afghane world domination! Moreover, there were many "link" texts, texts between articles which would not have had to be published in my opinion. But maybe exactly that is a special feature of the flair of this magazine: the editors who quarrel with each other, comment on each other's articles and do not really take anything seriously. I hope, however, that nobody felt offended by issue 1 of this magazine, nor by the very issue you are reading now. As I said, this magazine is really not to be taken seriously at all. Maybe apart from the voluntary and involuntary contributions of our readers, such as the e-mail of Adok's which we published in issue 1. Talking about which, I also want to apologize for that it was published without his permission, although I am actually not to apologize because I was not a member of the staff when this happened. I, however, hope that something like this will never be repeated in the hopefully glorious future of this magazine. POLiTiCiAL PARTiES REViEWED by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- This is a new series in which I want to introduce to you various political movements, of any couleur, from any part of this planet, from any of the three worlds, no matter if they agree to my opinion! The first party is... lets think a bit. We should start left and move forward right, right? So, what's the most left party? ... Communist? No. Anarchists. Right, today I'm goin' ta talk about the Anarchist Party of Papua New Guinea. What is their aim? Their aim is to destroy the system in their country, and in the future in the whole third world, and in the end in the whole planet, so all three worlds (also called: the big world). They want no order, no law, no rules, no ethical codes, no moral codes, simply freedom, absolute freedom, without natural limits even, that men can do whatever they want. I doubt that this will work out but who cares. They have no bashi bcuz they think that bashis suck and there should be no bashis in this world. By this they are contradicting themselves a bit bcuz diz even is a rule and they don't want no rule but whose cares. They are suppressed by the police neway so they most likely won't become in power. But as we are the platform for extra parlamentary opposition internationally we have to report about them too. Well, I think enough bytes were wasted on diz topic. munskanurmaranija FATE OF THE WORLD, REViSED by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- I tried to write an article about ta fate of ta world, but my dog jumped up and down on my keyboard and Afghanbashi the stupid fool inserted spelling mistakes on top of that so it did not work out. I mean, that was in eL aFGHANO #1. Now I try to rewrite the article. Uuuh... What has to be rewritten? Lets read the article. "blinki blinki twinki winki." Hey, diz is okej! Nice introduction. "ah. sumalti nivosto. okej okej i am s'posed ta writa in english. okej." Well at least our readers have learned a bit more Pashtuna langua with this little sentence! "so afghanbashi, pleaze translate." A mistake! He translated everything wrong, as I see when I read this article again now that I have learned ta speak and comprehend BSE and burger eater langua!! "okej. so, i am going ta write about ta fate of the world. ojek. well so wot am i going ta write? i mean you know our one and only god dont ya? so you know the fate of the world dont ya? ya ya see its in his hands. gretinx to ale mane bashi shroder and usa bashi klinton btw. et ta coaxcable ta writin style rulez. okej so wut was i up ta? ah ja blinki twinki, ta fate of ta world. ta world, ta world will exist, it will exit for ever, eh, exist for ever! but only if everybady belief in our on and onli! eh! ja! thats wot i wanted ta say! afgnanustan rulat! hogy vagy!" very bad very bad opps now I write almost like Afghanbashi did. Well you see, it was a bad article. And ale mane bashi = kraut bashi is Shtoiber, not Shroder. Exactly. That's it. Ya know, ale mane rooted in burger eater langua. And burger eater langua actually rooted in Afghanistan. Everything developed out of Sanskrit. Okej Sanskrit ain't an Afghane language but it rooted from Afghanistan too. That's why we consider Sanskrit as a holy langua. I guess now ya have learned very much on ta history of Afghanistan. Ya have not learned ta fate of ta world but who cares, this is less important neway. ranmuletime SPELLiNG ERRORS by Arturo Ui, co editor -------------------------------------------------------------- SPEELING ERROR ARE BAD, BAD, BAD, BUT STIL I MAKE EM. BECOZ I DONOT SE WHAT THEY ARE, YES ITS LIKE THAT! SiMPLE MiNDS by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- We are simple minds. We can only think of our Basic Instincts. These are: eating. drinking. smoking. making e-mags. Yeah, diz are our bsic instincts. Well, actually I was wrong. Arturo Ui also thinks of soccer and dreams of affording a TV one day. This day will be very soon if Afghanistan stays on prosper like it does now! Our activity, the e-mag, which we sell for cheap money (only 5 dollars) but ta many people and therefore by which we learn much money, this will make Afghanistan a rich country again. Then we can afford more, eh, actually we do not need to afford it, bcuz we Afghanes produce it ourselves. Ya ask what? Read ta introduction in eL aFGHANO 1! (Yippieh I've found a way to motivate readers to read old e-mags! Without even making the new issues worser than them!) CODiNG CORNER by Afghanbashi, the only intelligent being -------------------------------------------------------------- This mag misses something. It is a coding corner. Although I don't have pity with the fate of this mag, eL aFGHANO anymore, although it is my child, because I was the real mind behind it, I made issue 1 almost all alone and I had the idea to make the mag at all to improve our economical situation, I'll try to make it a bit more modern with the coding corner. I would do this if I did not have this byte limit that makes it imposs A NASTY REMARK by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- Afghanbashi, you should become a editor of ta Wilby diskmag! Then you have ta write short articlez and I see you are very experienced with it awready! numladumasemiakneduramerakurateli ONE WORLD, ONE MIND. by Maestro Monteverdi, hobby philosopher -------------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes I think that the world we are living in is just controlled by one mind, that it is just a game played by one mind. Indeed it was proven that the earth is not an isolated system. It is part of the universe. Perhaps there is even an upper layer to the universe. Perhaps we are only the organ of a higher species. Or only parts of that organ. Who really knows the truth? I am looking forward to further exploration of everything that surrounds us human beings. THE LAST ARTiCLE by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- This will be the last real article. Not exactly the last article but the last real one! Or not even ta last real one. Maybe diz ain't a real article either. But, if it was a real article, then it was ta last one. What will follow will be only comments and credits and such stupid stuph. And I think that I as ta main editor have ta right to write ta last article. Even if I don't write many articlezz, ta first and ta last one is reserved for me. Okej. So I want to use this chance to say goodbye to our readers until ta next issua. It was properly said a vrainment pleasure to be with ya, ta be with ya in ta spirit... ta be joined in ta one and only. Yes, ya were joined in his spirit by read diz magazine... thank ya for it and NOW VOTE FOR ME AS THE PRESIDENT OF THE E-MAG SCENE!! (Okej, this uppercase stuff rather resembles Arturo's bad style from which I want to keep distance but who cares.) Neway... I find it really hard... to close... this issue... it was a nice work, a nice part of my life... now, issue, go, be released... be read by many people who love it and appreciate it... go, little issue... I'll miss you... hope people will always treat you nice... do no harm to you, my little honey baby... undestand you and your aim correctly... know that ya are a little child... very fragile and to be handled with care... and with love... yes... this is what this little issue needs... hopefully everybody will understand it... and nobody will delete it from his hdd drive... otherwise the two years, eh, weeks of my life working on this issue would be in vain.. and I would have no motivation to continue this e-mag, this nice e-mag, my baby my own...... sniff. ADDiTiON TO CHARTS by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- One note in the end, we don't want your help! We don't need your help! If you contribute to eL aFGHANO in any way, unless your Afghane, foreign blood will mud our mag and our one and only will be very upset! So we don't want you to fill in the voteshit, we don't need you anyway. We can make the charts alone too. And never write an article or feedback. We will be very angry with you if you do. relskilemnitomskarutelniskumine PHILOSOPHY OF PEACE by Maestro Monteverdi, foreign minister -------------------------------------------------------------- Unfortunately, the main editor of this magazine, Mohammed NapolŠon, uses rather rude words in his articles, which could be misunderstood. I hereby want to make clear that I am opposed to any form of violence, be it of verbal or of physical nature. Thank you for reading this, and have a good time until the next issue of this magazine will be released. CREDiTS by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor -------------------------------------------------------------- Main Editor..................................Mohammed NapolŠon Co Editor............................................Arturo Ui Minister of Foreign Affairs.................Maestro Monteverdi Stupid Sucker......................................Afghanbashi Fake Translator.......................................Pedro S. We send greetings to rECTUM cAUDA, aCCESS dENiED and all other people that share our spirit. unityjusticeandlibertyforourhome - THE END - By the way: Compare the size of this file and the size of eL aFGHANO 1. What do you notice? Right, Mohammed NapolŠon did not lie in his editorial. At least once he has spoken the truth (or what may be the truth). Yours, Maestro Monteverdi